What do people exactly want during a social encounter? While people vary in what they admire and need from others, understanding which of the social gifts you’re or not giving, will have an enormous impact on the impression you make.
You can make others feel good after interacting with you if you appreciate them for who they are, connect with them, elevate their mood and stimulate them with new ideas and perspectives.
Let’s consider the 4 social gifts in detail:
APPRECIATION
Everyone likes to feel appreciated and affirmed. You show appreciation when you let someone know that you understand and respect her for her positive qualities. For example, if you tell someone directly or indirectly that she is talented, funny, smart, or attractive, she will feel proud about that quality in herself and good about herself in general.
CONNECTION
Connection is about finding where you intersect with someone. It can be a mutual friend, common interests, or similar experiences. It can be as simple as pointing out where you have the same attitude or feeling about something, as in “I feel the same way,” or “I love hat movie too.” In essence, it’s saying “I’m like you.” People like it because it makes them feel understood and provides them with a sense of belonging.
ELEVATION
People naturally like to be in good spirits, to laugh, and feel uplifted and are drawn to those who make them feel that way. You don’t have to be a comedian! You can elevate others’ moods in many ways, such as by smiling, being in the moment, acting playful or entertaining, and directing your attention to the positive and humorous elements in the situation.
ENLIGHTENMENT
We’re all curious and like to learn something new – interesting facts, ideas and views, current events, even trivia. Bearing the gifts of enlightenment makes you stimulating and appealing to be around. It doesn’t have to be about some heady book you read or international politics – it can be about the curious thing you noticed on the way to work, the movie you just saw, or an article you read in a magazine.
If you know how others feel when they interact with you, you’ll have a better sense of how they perceive you. And when you are socially generous, others are more likely to return the attention and satisfy your social desires.
People have a fondness for what they want from others. For instance, some may really like to be entertained and seek out those that make them laugh, and not care that much about feeling connected to people.
Others may enjoy feeling understood and love talking with people who make them feel that way, and don’t care much about being enlightened. However, you usually don’t know this about people you meet for the first time. So a balance of all 4 gifts is good strategy.
Source: First Impressions, Ann Demarais, Ph.D., & Valerie White, Ph.D.
2007 Shaques Publishing Inc.
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